Thursday, December 4, 2014

8 Hot Holiday Treats for Only 99 Cents! #boxedset

Limited time! Get it while you can! 
8 Super Sexy Holiday Stories for only 99 cents!

A Cowboy’s Christmas Wish by Sorcha Mowbray
When rancher Ford Grayson saunters out of Melissa Adams’ past and into her bar, she’s determined to take him for a ride and kick him to the curb. Payback’s a bitch. But, the cowboy is determined to make his very own Christmas wish come true.
Just’s Desserts by Rachel Kenley
Dessert as foreplay? Justine saves her passion for the desserts she creates. Adam pours his focus into work. Together, something is going to melt.
A Demon’s Gift by Jocelyn Dex
Cordelia, a demon hunter trainee who daydreams of Christmas, fights to resist Argoth, the sex demon, who inflames her desire and reveals a truth that turns her world upside down.
Furry Christmas by Sotia Lazu
Alice’s lonely holidays take an interesting turn when a stray dog walks into her life. Little does she know he could be her Prince Charming, if only she believed in magic.
Holiday Bliss by Leigh Ellwood
Two years after Hurricane Sandy, panther shifter Sheila Houlihan has finally rebuilt her home in the shore town of Bliss, New Jersey. She looks forward to her first Christmas there, if only Jonah will finish with the interior painting. Jonah, however, is interested in being more than Sheila’s handyman.

To Capture a Yeti by Eva Lefoy
An ambitious reporter is determined to prove to the world Yetis exist, even at the cost of her life. But when she’s confronted with the truth, will she choose fame and fortune or keep the secret and the man she desires all to herself?

Longest Night Loving by Daisy Banks
Cursed elf Miles has waited for centuries in the hope a woman will free him from the curse binding him to this house. Will his beautiful visitor pass the test and prove she is the one who he can love?

Caging the Wolf by Sofia Grey
Jessie has fallen in love with the perfect guy, Levi, but there’s one tiny problem. The blue-eyed hunk only exists in her dreams.

Buy Links: Amazon | iTunes | Kobo l All Romance Ebooks

Friday, October 3, 2014

Evernight Publishing's 4th Bday Bash & Belize Nights, My Hot Island Romance



It's Evernight's 4th Bday Bash and they are giving away great prizes!

Grand Prizes

~ Choice of Kindle Fire HD or Kobo Arc 7
~ $100 Amazon GC
~ $50 Evernight GC

AND! All eBooks on are 50% off throughout the blog hop. This is the largest sale of the year!

Monday, September 29, 2014

Mutt or Meow Monday with Ginger, Suz deMello's Mutt

Welcome to Mutt or Meow Monday!
Mutt or Meow Monday is where we interview the author’s animal friends instead of interviewing the author. Let’s see what the animals have to say!
It’s great to have you here today.

Please introduce yourself. 

I’m Ginger. I’m little, a poodle mix—no one is sure what I am exactly! My mommy is an older lady and I love her, but the other person who lives in my home scares me. She is always in front of the funny machine with the big screen typing something. She seems to never notice me. I like to lie behind her chair, but she scares me when she shoves her chair back and nearly runs me over! So I bark at her when she hugs my mommy good-night. Loving my mommy is my job, not hers. She can go back into her office and type for all I care! But I do like the smoked cheese she bribes me with so I don’t pee in Mommy’s bed.

What’s your favorite book by Suz deMelloand why?

You’re silly! I can’t read!

Do you ever interrupt Suz deMello for attention when she’s trying to write? Does she stop and give you attention, brush you off, or bribe you with treats?

All the time! I like to annoy her. I know she hates my yap so I yap at her a lot. She will stroke me and then yell at me because she doesn’t like yappy little dogs. Too bad! ‘Cause my mommy loves me. I yap all I want.

Does Suz ever read her writing to you? Do you like it?

No, she doesn’t. She knows that the only words in English I understand are “Ginger” and “here’s a treat.”

Has Suz ever based one of her characters on you? Which one?

If she did base a character on me, it would probably be a villain. Who yaps and pees in the bed.

What does Suz do to celebrate when she finishes writing a book?

She drinks some funny bubbly stuff called “Prosecco.” I licked some off her finger once. It was icky.  And she eats chocolate. I’m not allowed to have chocolate. It’s not fair!

What do you wish Suz would do with her writing time instead of writing?
She should be playing with me! I’m fun. I like tug-of-war and catch. I love to sleep on her bed and on Mommy’s, too.

What’s the best part about living with an author?

She’s around a lot. Mommy likes her around.

What’s the worst part about living with an author?

She’s around a lot.  I don’t like her around.

Chicken, bacon or cheese? Smoked cheese smoked cheese smoked cheese FOREVAH!

Butt sniffin’, leg humpin’, fluffy toys? Toys toys toys toys!!!

Final thoughts: 

Make sure when you find your forevah home, that there isn’t a writer! They’re boring!

Sherlock’s Scandal
Suz deMello

Back cover blurb:

A bored Sherlock is a dangerous Sherlock. His twin vices of cocaine and sex could prove his undoing, until he meets his match in elusive, enigmatic Irene Adler. 

Hiding her heart, Irene deserts Sherlock in the midst of their affair. He schemes to win her back, but the lady won’t come easily to hand. Instead, she forces him to compete for honor, glory and  love.

Author Bio:

Best-selling, award-winning author Suz deMello, a.k.a Sue Swift, has written seventeen romance novels in several subgenres, including erotica, comedy, historical, paranormal, mystery and suspense, plus a number of short stories and non-fiction articles on writing. A freelance editor, she’s held the positions of managing editor and senior editor, working for such firms Total-E-Bound, Liquid Silver Books and Ai Press. She also takes private clients.

Her books have been favorably reviewed in Publishers Weekly, Kirkus and Booklist, won a contest or two, attained the finals of the RITA and hit several bestseller lists.

A former trial attorney, her passion is world travel. She’s left the US over a dozen times, including lengthy stints working overseas. She’s now writing a vampire tale and planning her next trip.

Give Suz deMello some Web Love

--Find her books at

--For editing services, email her at
--Befriend her on Facebook:, and visit her group page at
--She tweets her reading picks @ReadThis4fun and @Suzdemello

Buy Sherlock’s Scandal!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Check out a Steamy Excerpt from Teacher's Pet by Melissa Hosack

 Teacher’s Pet 
Book 2 in the Lucky Bet series
Melissa Hosack


While celebrating his parents’ anniversary at a local casino, Dex Hawthorn is approached and seduced by friends, Arabella and Parker. He takes both women to bed, all of them under the assumption the evening is to be a one-night stand.

Only Dex can’t stop thinking about Parker, and when his duties as a police officer surprisingly force their paths to cross, he takes it as a sign that the two of them are meant to have something beyond a single night of passion. Can he convince Parker he can be a one woman man, and can he get this sexy yet strict school teacher to open up her heart to him? 

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Belize Nights, Hot Island Romance, Cover Reveal

I'm so excited to share the cover for my upcoming release...

Belize Nights
Jocelyn Dex

Release Date: September 26, 2014
Evernight Publishing
Contemporary Erotic Romance

I love the cover! It fits the story perfectly. 

Lana’s traveling to her dream vacation in Ambergris Caye, Belize expecting sun, sand, clear water and relaxation. When she assaults a stranger with her carry-on bag at the airport, she’s overwhelmed by her all-consuming attraction to him.

Dean can’t get the clumsy brunette from the airport out of his mind. The way her chocolate eyes had devoured him left him yearning for more, so when he runs into her on the island, he makes the most of the opportunity.

When a dizzying heat engulfs them both, they realize Lana’s short vacation isn’t enough time to tame their burning desires. 

Warning: Light Exhibitionism

Stay tuned. More info to come on release day!

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Interview with Daisy Banks, Author of A Perfect Match

Daisy Banks
A Perfect Match
Futuristic Romance with a touch of sci-fi

Book Description:
Daisy Banks whisks you into a futuristic world, where you might fight for water, or offer up your freedom and become a slave for the promise of enough to drink.

Passion and politics ripple through A Perfect Match where the enmity between the government leader, Lord Chardel and Commander Varon, head of the Astan water acquirement fleet, is at flashpoint. The enforced marriage of Anwell Nastor, a young Temple adept, to Commander Varon, not only breaks Astan religious rules, but could break untried hearts. This cruel ploy meant to silence Varon’s opposition to current circumstances in the city-state brings unexpected results. Through careful manipulation of the news links, Varon and his bride become the city’s most adored couple, but danger shadows their steps.

Join Anwell and Varon as they discover the power of A Perfect Match on their perilous journey in a world full of dangers and political intrigue.


Q: Do you have a favorite quote or line from A Perfect Match? If so, please share.
A: Her icy fingers locked together and shook, along with the rest of her. “What if I don’t breed?”
“We’d better see you do.”

Q: Name one thing the hero and heroine of A Perfect Match can’t live without.
A: Water; this is the key to one of the dilemmas they face in their world. They have very little water on the planet. Varon, the hero, is skilled water diviner and he sees the city is supplied with water.

Q: Are there any specific words or phrases you aren't comfortable using in your stories (especially in sex scenes)? Word or phrase that makes you say “ick”?
A: I don’t like the c word for female genitalia. I don’t find it at all sexy. D.H. Lawrence didn’t make me like it in Lady Chatterley’s Lover, and it’s not a word anyone else has convinced me is sensually pleasing. I know some people think it’s a must for erotic pieces but I prefer to write without using it. Saying that, I don’t like the purple prose type things such as, vale of delight or euphemisms like that. Another word that makes me go ‘ick’ is globes as reference to breasts. I always think of the antique type of world globes and it ruins the moment by making me laugh. My last pet hate in sex scenes is bucking, oh my goodness, the images that brings to mind are hysterical.

Q: Convince readers to buy A Perfect Match in 25 words or less.
A: An ex-nun and a control freak forced to marry in a world full of dangers. How can you resist?

Q: What’s one of your biggest fears?
A: This isn’t an easy question to answer. I think the fear of something bad happening to a member of my family has to top the list. Having once experienced that trauma, I never want to live through something like that again.

Another fear of mine is spiders. This is an unpleasant phobia I have had since I was a very small child. I lived in an 18th century cottage for a while and there were many spiders of colossal size. Since all the exposure to them while I lived there, I’ve improved and I can be in a room with a small spider without freaking. However, if the spider is a big one I have to find someone to remove it. 

The level of fear is high and the symptoms unpleasant. I can’t walk by a big spider, or be close to them and I think I’d pass out if I had to touch one. I don’t want them killed just put outside. Once when I was at the cottage a massive spider had decided it would sit half way up the stairs, thus preventing me going up there.

I stopped a man who happened to pass by the house that day and asked him to come in to get rid of a spider for me. I did make sure he wasn’t scared of them first.  I think he thought I was a little odd but he put the spider outside any way.

I can guarantee that if there is a spider no one else has noticed in a room, I will see it. I have been known to scream and run at the sight of one. There were so many of them at the cottage, I tried the Conker method of keeping the spiders at bay and it did seem to work. You have to put a Conker, a Horse Chestnut nut, in each corner of the room and the smell of them should keep spiders away. I do think I saw fewer of them that year. Where I live now the spiders are very small and spindly and not so scary.

Jocelyn's Note: Ew! Spiders! That is also one of my fears. The damn things are just so creepy!

Fun Stuff

Q: Tattoos. Hot or not? And do you have any?
A: I don’t have any tattoos, but I do like body art. I like the Celtic style patterns some people have and I love the Maori style patterns.
Q: Wine, Beer or Liquor?
A: I enjoy red wine. Sometimes I drink Guinness, as it is full of iron and good for you.
Q: Dogs, cats or other?
A: I am allergic to feathers, fur and fluff. If I am in close contact with any of those things my eyelids swell up, my eyes run and I sneeze constantly. It is rotten not being able to have a cute pet. I did have a goldfish for a long time, he was quite sweet.
Q: Kindle, Nook, Paper? Other?
A: Kindle and paper. I like audio books too. I listen to them in the car sometimes when I am driving.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: I don’t know, but I do remember a day when three chickens brought the traffic in Bridgnorth to a standstill. They must have escaped from their run and they spent about half an hour dodging back and forth across the road. It was quite amusing to watch and people were very kind because none of the drivers squished them. Someone finally herded them up and took them out of the way.

About Daisy Banks:
Daisy Banks writes sensual and spicy romance in the Historical, Paranormal and Fantasy genres. An obsessive writer Daisy is passionate about her stories. Her focus is to offer the best tale she can to readers. Daisy is married, with two grown up sons. She lives with her husband in a converted chapel in Shropshire, England. Antiques and collecting entertain Daisy when she isn’t writing.

Show Daisy Banks some Web Love
Twitter @DaisyBanks16

Buy A Perfect Match 

Thanks for sharing your book today!

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Brought to His Knees Boxed set: 11 Romances, 11 Authors

Make Me Surrender – included novella by Tina Donahue
99¢ for a limited time
11 NEW romances by today’s hottest romance authors
AVAILABLE: August 19 

Friday, August 15, 2014

Interview with Penelope Merrin, Author of Waking the Beast

Waking the Beast
Penelope Merrin
Fantasy/Fairy Tale retelling

When lusty Melina gets caught spying on guests, her innkeeper father sends her off to work for the Beast. Instead of the monster she expects, Melina discovers a hulking, misshapen but incredibly sexy man. Curiosity consumes her—is every part of him oversized?

Rowland doesn’t know how to handle Melina. He can’t believe she could ever desire him. He is no match for her relentless seduction. They enjoy a few weeks of sensual bliss before Melina’s father visits unexpectedly and catches them in the act, causing them to flee.

Driven from his home with Melina by his side, Rowland finally has the courage to explore the woods for wild magic to reverse his curse. But magic doesn’t conform to even the best laid plans. 


Q: Do you have a favorite quote or line from WAKING THE BEAST? If so, please share.
A: There’s a scene where my hero tries to backpedal after losing control, telling my heroine “We need to talk.” Through his locked bedroom door, she says “I want to do much more than merely talk to you. If you don’t open the door, I will take off all my clothing again.”

Q: Name one thing the hero and heroine of WAKING THE BEAST can’t live without.
A: My heroine, Melina, can’t live without some sense of excitement, adventure or magic in her life. When the story begins she seems doomed to a mundane life, but luckily her circumstances change. My hero, Rowland, starts out very preoccupied with being noble and correct. Melina has to work very hard to break through lots of barriers with him, not just his beastly curse. Luckily she’s very tenacious.

Q: Are there any specific words or phrases you aren't comfortable using in your stories (especially in sex scenes)? Word or phrase that makes you say “ick”?
A: C**t. It’s just such a charged, negative word to me.

Q: Convince readers to buy WAKING THE BEAST in 25 words or less.
A: It’s a fairy tale retelling of “Beauty and the Beast” with a big, sexy twist.

Q: What’s one of your biggest fears?
A: My dogs dying. They’re getting old so I try to make every day count.

Jocelyn's Note: Oh geez. Me too. :-/

Fun Stuff

Q: Tattoos. Hot or not? And do you have any?
A: Good ones can be hot, for sure. I don’t have any.

Q: Wine, Beer or Liquor?
A: I love whisky and bourbon. But I get crazy hangover headaches, so I don’t drink much.

Q: Dogs, cats or other?
A: I love all animals except cockroaches! Dogs, cats, birds and rabbits are my favorites.

Q: Kindle, Nook, Paper? Other?
A: I am reading more books on my phone now, using the Kindle app. I like the convenience. But I still like paper the best.

Penelope started writing when she was nine and hasn’t stopped since. She lives with her husband and dogs in an apartment stuffed to the gills with books.

Show PENELOPE some Web Love


Thanks for sharing your book today!

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Fall into Love @ The Romance Reviews - Prizes

Be sure to join the party at TRR!

There are more than 100 authors participating and there will be more than 100 prizes!

It's a lot of fun so be sure to drop by and play!


Monday, August 11, 2014

Mutt or Meow Monday with Bobby, Ashley Ladd's Meow

Welcome to Mutt or Meow Monday!
Mutt or Meow Monday is where we interview the author’s animal friends instead of interviewing the author. Let’s see what the animals have to say!
It’s great to have you here today.

Please introduce yourself.

Hi, my name is Bobby and I’m a domestic short hair black and white cat without a tail and my mommy says I look like Groucho Marx. I love to lay on top of my mommy, knead and try to suckle. She doesn’t like the latter much and says I must have been taken away from my feline mommy much too early. I also like to lick the other 3 cats in our house—a LOT—but not the two dogs who are kind of scary.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Fun Interview with Jane Leopold Quinn, Author of A Promise at Dawn

Jane Leopold Quinn
A Promise at Dawn
Erotic Romance, Contemporary M/F
Excerpt Link:


Hi, Jane! Welcome to my blog! Let's get right to the interview.

Q: Do you have a favorite quote or line from A Promise at Dawn? If so, please share. 
A:  When Gil tells Faye he wants to paint her, she trepidatiously asks, “You don’t want to do this in the nude, do you?”  My favorite line is Gil’s response, “Well, no, I’m not usually in the nude when I paint.  But that’s your choice.”

Monday, August 4, 2014

Mutt or Meow Monday: Meet Tiger, Eva Lefoy's Meow

Welcome to Mutt or Meow Monday!

Mutt or Meow Monday is where we interview the author’s animal friends instead of interviewing the author. Let’s see what the animals have to say!

It’s great to have you here today.

Please introduce yourself. 

My name is Tiger. At least that’s what humans call me. Or jerk, or asshole, or sometimes good kitty. I can’t figure out why they do that. I thought people only had one name. *licks paw* I’m an American short-haired tabby.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Fun Interview with Cynthia Sax, Author of Sinful Rewards

Cynthia Sax
Sinful Rewards 1
Contemporary Erotic Romance

Sinful Rewards 1 Blurb:
Belinda "Bee" Carter is a good girl; at least, that's what she tells herself. And a good girl deserves a nice guy—just like the gorgeous and moody billionaire Nicolas Rainer. He is everything she wants in a man.

Or so she thinks, until she takes a look through her telescope and sees a naked, tattooed man on the balcony across the courtyard. Hawke is mysterious, the bad boy she knows will bring only heartbreak. He has been watching her, and that makes him all the more enticing.

But when a mysterious and anonymous text message dares her to do something bad, she must decide if she is really the good girl she has always claimed to be, or if she's willing to risk everything for her secret fantasy of being watched.

Is her mystery man the reclusive billionaire with a wild side or the darkly dangerous bad boy?

Monday, July 28, 2014

Mutt or Meow Monday with Foxy Cleopatra, Nikki Noffsinger's Mutt

Welcome to Mutt or Meow Monday!

Mutt or Meow Monday is where we interview the author’s animal friends instead of interviewing the author. Let’s see what the animals have to say!

It’s great to have you here today.

Please introduce yourself. 

My name is Foxy Cleopatra Noffsinger but everyone just calls me Foxy. I am a shelter dog and I would tell you my age, but a lady never tells. I am the proud pet owner of four humans. One of which is going off to college soon. My youngest little human pet, I have adopted and he is simply “Puppy” but my other two owners, the big ones, they insist on calling him “Justin”. I can’t tell you what breed I am only that I am multi-cultural. 

However, the Vet (I don’t like him very much) told my one pet that he believes I am a possible German Shepherd-Pittbull/Boxer mix. So I am European-that works for me. I mostly lie around my home but I also love to go on walks, play with my puppy when he’s not being so hyper (definitely not a wrestling fan), and I love to be scratched and loved on. 

My beginnings were not so very happy but my pets have more than made up for that. They love and adore me and I adore them. I am great with other people, even though I am sometimes a little shy but I am not so friendly with cats. I don’t know why-they just rub me the wrong way. Well they would if I let one actually get close enough to try. I hate the Vet and I am not a fan of being wet but I love the snow.

Friday, July 25, 2014

When Cock in Romance Shocked Me!

Happy Friday, everyone!

I'm blogging over at Silken Sheets & Seduction today about when the word COCK in romance shocked me. Pop over and say hi. Let me know if you felt the same.

When Cock in Romance Shocked Me

Friday, July 11, 2014

Contracts: To Sign or not to Sign

I'm blogging at Silken Sheets & Seduction today. What about, you ask? About publishing contracts -- whether to sign or not. Stop by and say hi!
Contracts: To Sign or not to Sign

Friday, June 27, 2014

Sex and POV: Which Do You Prefer?

I'm blogging today about sex scenes and POVs over at Silken Sheets & Seduction.

Stop by and let me know if you prefer to read the sexy stuff in the hero's POV or in the heroine's POV.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Friday the 13th AND a Full Moon: Scary or Not?

Friday the 13th doesn't cause me anxiety. It's just another day. No biggie. 

However, I will swear with my last breath that the full moon makes me...I guess you could say hypersensitive. Or something. I just know I'm "off" during the full moon.

How about you? Does Friday the 13th weird you out? Does the full moon affect you?

Friday, May 30, 2014

What's up with me Today?

Why am I using words like "penis fly trap" and "cock socket" in an interview today? Stop by and find out.
Also, enter to win a gift card by telling me your favorite slang for vagina.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Review & Excerpt: Last Impressions (The Marnie Baranuik Files, Book 3) by A.J. Aalto

Last Impressions
Marnie Branuik Files #3
AJ Aalto

When an FBI Internal Affairs investigation lands the Preternatural Crimes Unit in a bureaucratic spank-fest, it feels like the perfect time for Marnie Baranuik to skip town and lend her expertise to a bear-sized Canadian cop who doesn't want her help with his case, his love life, or his car stereo. Back in her childhood stomping grounds, Marnie leaps into action, facing an exorcist in skinny jeans, a slap-happy specter, and an old friend up to new tricks. 

Are ghosts behind a string of unusual deaths? Why didn't her revenant companion, Lord Harry Dreppenstedt, tell her he had a Combat Butler? Can she survive dinner with her parents? With a shifty man of the cloth offering her soul's redemption, and a revelation that could change the future of her love life, she has her gloved hands full. She may not make a great first impression, but no one makes a Last Impression quite like Marnie.

Last Impressions is the third installment in the Marnie Baranuik Files series and it's a winner just as the first and second installments are.

Aalto's writing voice is humorous, sassy, witty and descriptive and yeah, there's quite a bit of wonderfully colorful profanity sprinkled throughout--most of which is provided by Marnie, the heroine. She can turn a cuss-phrase like nobody's business and it never fails to crack me up.

Within the pages of Last Impressions, you'll be treated to characters such as an old-school gentlemanly Revenant (Vampire), a hard-assed FBI agent who is the lust of Marnie's loins, mentions of a bunny-slipper-humping vampire bat, ghosts, a cock whisperer, a perverted ex-priest/exorcist, a knitting Canadian cop, a combat butler and Marnie's googly-eyed frog hat. 

One scene in Last Impressions made me sleep with a light on. Seriously. Reading about dead people water is scary at night.  

In summation, Last Impressions and the rest of the Marnie Baranuik Files urban fantasy series, is rife with witty banter, spooky to downright scary scenes, lust, fantastic world-building, lots of humor, great plotting and vivid description. If you're not reading The Marnie Baranuik Files, you are missing out on some good shit!


The Epp farm was tucked behind an industrial park on the east side of the canal, not far from the Twin Flight Locks. From the looks of it, the farm had been there for generations, pre-dating the industry by decades. It consisted of two barns and some hen houses, a maze of chicken-wire fences topped with fresh snow, and a light blue farmhouse with doors and shutters freshly-painted the brilliant yellow of egg yolk.
Downwind, it stank of years’ worth of guano. So did Mr. Epp, who came waddling out of the smaller barn wiping his hands on his olive green coveralls, trudging through the snow. His padded, red plaid jacket was the type that always made me think of lumberjacks. Under a crammed-down, wrinkly Molson Canadian knit cap of washed-out grey, he had poker-straight orange hair complemented by a silver-streaked carroty handlebar mustache that he must have begun cultivating about the time I was born. I thought Batten’s upper lip would be sorely intimidated in the face of such manly follicles. When he opened his mouth to talk, I expected him to draw matching revolvers like Yosemite Sam. He was definitely the rootinest, tootinest, chicken-poopinest dude I'd ever laid eyes on.
“Why, I know I said I’m up and at ‘em before dawn, officer, but I sure didn’t expect you to show before the sun did.”
I whispered, “Is he for real?”
Schenk elbowed me. Because of his height, his chiding elbow connected with my left ear. “I understand you witnessed some youths down by the pond recently,” Schenk said. “Why don’t we go inside and you can tell me all about that?”
“Sorry, you misunderstood.” The farmer rubbed one hand with the other in rough strokes, thumb-in-palm. “I said I knew they were down there, but I didn’t personally see them.”
“Oh?” Schenk withdrew a flip pad and his pencil from his inside jacket pocket, and scribbled a note.
“The chickens saw them.”
Schenk didn’t miss a beat. “The chickens.” He wrote this, too, as though it could possibly mean something.
I raised my hand like I was in class. “Uh, how do you know the chickens saw them?”
“They told me. Well, not me, directly.” Epp smiled widely. “Obviously, I can’t talk to chickens.”
“You can’t,” Schenk clarified.
“No, not me, no sir.” When he shook his head, Epp’s ginger handlebars waved hypnotically back and forth like magic tentacles. “So, I’ll just go get the Chicken Whisperer, and we’ll get to interviewing your star witnesses, officer.”
Epp tromped off in the direction of the house. Schenk let a long, steady breath out of his nostrils and began to thump his pencil against his pad rapidly, taptaptap. My eyes snuck sideways and way, way up at him.
“Did he just say Chicken Whisperer?”
Unhappily, Schenk confirmed, “He did.”
“Oh, I’m so glad I answered your call this morning.”
“You owe me big time.”
“Wait a second. You woke me up, told me to come with you under pain of replacement with some less-awesome psychic, and I owe you? What kind of happy horse hockey are you trying to pull, Longshanks?”
“Hockey?” He paused, thoughtful. “I'll be damned. That's why he looks so familiar. He could be Lanny McDonald's twin brother.”
What I knew about hockey would probably fit on a puck with room to spare, because I am the worst Canadian in the history of ever, so I kept my ignorance to myself. I thought he needed a pat on the arm to bolster his spirits, so I gave him one.
He glanced down at me. “Getting anything off him, Big City Psychic?”
“Not a thing,” I confessed. “The Blue Sense must not be awake yet.” I turned at the sound of the door. “Holy crispy crapsicles.”
Epp thumped out the back door of the farmhouse wearing a floppy blond Marilyn Monroe wig and a quilted housecoat thrown over his overalls. He backhanded ropey platinum waves out of his hairy face. He’d smeared tangerine lipstick on his lips. It matched the color of his facial hair almost perfectly. He made me feel like Janet Leigh when the shower curtain tore open. It’s entirely possible I let out a little eep in lieu of a violin musical sting.
Schenk said tentatively, “Mr. Epp?”
“I’m Tina Epp, the Chicken Whisperer.” She handed Schenk a business card. “I’ll take you down to talk to Henny. She’s in charge of the girls out in the big barn. This way.”
I whispered out the side of my mouth, “It’s that new horror movie: Mrs. Doubtfire Silences the Lambs.”
Schenk clamped his lips together hard to keep a straight face and tucked the business card in his back pocket. “Uh, ma’am?” He followed her into the barn, clearing his throat. “Who's Henny? A hen?”
The barn was lit by stark white fluorescents and warmed just enough to take the chill off. The smell of chickens was only mildly worse inside. Epp began rubbing her hands again.
“She’s the Black Jersey Giant. Isn’t she a beaut? Now, hold on.”
She approached the pens and began talking to the chicken. In clucks.
I said, “How come you got a business card and I didn’t?”
Schenk was working valiantly at keeping his shit together; he flicked me an annoyed glance, dug the card out, and handed it to me. It was warm from being tucked against his butt cheek and it read: Chickens: I “get” them. The hinky quotation marks made me wonder: how exactly did Tina Epp “get” the chickens? She folded her fists into her armpits to make ersatz wings of her arms and used one boot to scratch at the dirt.
“This might be the best-worst thing that’s ever happened to me,” I confided to the cop in a whisper, “and I’ve been chased by half-naked zombies cosplaying wildlife.”
“Nope,” Tina reported to us, flexing her fingers. “Nope. Sorry. Henny says the girls don’t know nothing. Only the rooster was out.”
I ventured, “And you can’t talk to the rooster?”
“Aw, heck no, not me, Ma’am.” She batted at her wig again, spitting as strands of hair drifted and stuck to her mustache and lipstick: rookie make-up problem. It almost never happened to me anymore. Mostly because I stopped wearing lipstick.
Schenk opened his mouth, and by the hitching of his belt, I figured he was going to tell Epp we’d be heading out. Epp held up one finger to tell us to wait.
“You just hold them horses, officer. I’ll go on in and fetch the Cock Whisperer.”
Schenk and I froze in mutual stunned silence, our eyes slinking sideways to each other’s, while Epp clomped back toward the house in her black rubber boots, rubbing her hands in one another. I wondered if Schenk realized his hand had drifted to check that his gun was in place.
“Are you scared, too?” I whispered.
“I’ve never been so afraid in all my days on the force,” he said.

Author Bio
When not working on her horror novels, you can find her singing old Monty Python songs in the shower, eavesdropping on perfect strangers, stalking her eye doctor, or failing at one of her many fruitless hobbies. Generally a fan of anyone with a passion for the ridiculous, she has a particular weak spot for smug, pseudointellectual assholes and narcissistic jerks; readers will find her work littered with dark, imperfect creatures, flawed monsters and oodles of snark and has been known to swallow her gum.

Website * Twitter: @AJAalto * Facebook
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...